Planes, Trains and Automobiles...

Random thoughts from my travels from Aunt Debbie's house in Lewis Center, Ohio (1:30 PM Thursday) to Hotel Grand Elite in Bologna (11 AM Friday):

- Man, it's too bad we didn't get to the airport 3 hours before our flight left like everyone suggested. Then we could have had 2.5 hours to kill in the terminal instead of the 30 minutes we ended up with. Just imagine how many more overpriced hot dogs and beverages we could have consumed then! Oh well, live and learn I guess.

- Everyone's worst fears were almost realized when it appeared Danielle was lost and sold into the sex trade at CMH 15 minutes after we got to the airport. Fortunately, she just went to the bathroom.

- The effeminate Dom "Woogy" Wogerstein (Chris Elliot, There's Something About Marry 20th Century Fox, 1998) look alike at the gate was not impressed with my organization of passports and paperwork. It's okay, I wasn't impressed with his hairline. Lesson learned.

- I'm typically not a fan of planes which seat less than 15 people or choose two propellers (you know, like on the Red Barron Pizza Boxes ) over jet engines. Lou Brown's 1989 Cleveland Indians wouldn't have gotten on this plane...I think JFK Jr's Cessna was more safe than this puddle jumper...and finally, Cedar Point's newest roller coaster will be named Air Canada Flight 9403 Columbus to Toronto...okay I'm finished now

- Reason number 1,473,256 to hate Canadians: At Toronto Pearson Airport's International Terminal they charge 7% more for anything from chap stick to a chicken wrap if you use US dollars. Oh, here's a fun fact: OUR MONEY IS WORTH MORE THAN THEIRS! My theory: Canadians are well known Europhiles and thus get Penis envy of the Euro.

- If anyone ever flies internationally I highly recommend Air Canada's Sky Bus (Air Canada Internationally > Air Canada Regionally). For the purpose of organization I will break down my 7 hour flight from Toronto to Frankfurt into it's own sub category of random thoughts conveniently marked with *'s instead of -'s:

* Japanese looking lady sitting two isles over from me seemed interested. I got 7 hours, maybe the mile high club is a possibility. How to start a conversation?? Hmm...I'll bet she plays the violin extremely well... (this thought never amounted to more than what you just read)

* Can I tell you how happy I am the 12 member 7th grade German Club from random Canadian middle school is seated immediately behind me for a 7 hour flight? Did you know that 14 year-old-girls DON'T HAVE AN INSIDE VOICE? I know now.

* Threw divine intervention our flight was at least half empty. There are fewer moments in life more exciting than when you realize instead of spending 7 hours next to an 82-year-old man with a laissez faire approach to hygiene you get an entire middle row of 4 seats to yourself.

* Interesting fact of the day: Air Canada provides unlimited alcoholic beverages to passengers on transatlantic flights. Who wants to party? I do! Essentially it's an $800 cover charge for an open bar. I bet not many of you have drank a 12 pack of Molson Canadian on a plane before!

* Also willing to bet I am the only person here who has ever been cut off on a plane lol "Sir, one beer in the air is like having 3 on the ground. You have already had 10 or 12 beers by my count (so actually 30-36), I'm just looking out for your best interest. Trust me, you will appreciate this tomorrow." Sounds like a Tuesday night at Sloopy's to me. Sorry I had to be Hard Core! Apparently Ohio State students don't fly Air Canada frequently.

* Two in-flight movies: Couples Retreat. How could anything with Vince Vaughn, Jon Favreau, Jason Baetman and hot women suck? Well it did. Still not as big of a waste of time as The Blind Side. I know this isn't a popular opinion, but this movie is just simply not very good. In fact, I almost walked out...think about it...think about it...there it is! Yes, I'm still on a plane...

* For dinner we were offered chicken in rice or pasta with meat sauce. Considering the amount of "pasta and meat sauce" (whatever that is exactly) I will consume over the next 40 days I am satisfied with my choice of chicken in rice.

* I think Ken Hitchcock was on my flight, and he has a new job is as an airline steward (is their a word for the male version of stewardess?), and he enjoys talking to me about his diabetic medicine for 20 minutes because he thinks the fact my uncle is diabetic means I care, and while I know it probably wasn't ole' Coach Hitch he did look a lot like him and it makes me smile thinking about Hitch trying to wedge his ass between the seats asking people if they want ice with their tomato juice. And so concludes my favorite flight ever...

- Frankfurt's airport was incredible. Huge planes from America, Argentina, China, UAE, etc.. oh and the terminal was like a high end shopping mall, Chanel Tramps and all.

- Because Albert is in a wheel chair we get better service than The Divine Obama. Airport employees rush us through the air port, cut everyone in line to have our passports stamped, provide our own security check point line with no wait and because they have to load him through a fork lift looking thing which they do from the tarmac we got to hang out in the Lufthansa Super Important Persons Who Get Free Orange Juice and Crackers Club before the flight. Very Nice! Only down side were the Mohamed Atta-looking guys driving us around on the giant fork lift / elevator. They didn't drive the fork lift / elevator into a gas truck though so we're cool.

- Finally became a member of the mile high club on the 45 minute flight form Frankfurt to Bologna with a beautiful, tall, blonde German woman named Velma. Then I woke up and we were on the ground. Slept the whole way!

- The airport in Bologna was one of my favorites. Similar to CMH, small with very few lines and easy to get in and out of (that's what she said). Only problem was the customs officials using their authority to provide themselves with an opportunity to introduce themselves to my very young, very female cousin Danielle. No harm done though.

- The taxi driver was not exactly thrilled with the prospect of driving us essentially around the block with all of our luggage and a wheel chair. He suggested we take two cabs, one for Albert, Danielle and the luggage with another for myself and the wheel chair. I've seen several action films begin this way (most recently Taken) and they all end with the male action star rescuing his family from the terrorist, pedophiles or extortionist. Seeing as how I am not a NAVY SEAL I told the guy one cab for everyone. He was resentful but capitulated (remember, as much as I love the Italians, this is a country with a losing record against the French).

-Taxi driver did exact his revenge when he took us to Grand Hotel Suite instead of Grand Hotel Elite. Asshole. Good news was that our hotel was only 100 yards down the street. Bad news was my sandal broke in the lobby so I got to limp the entire distance looking like a pack mule about to be put out to pasture for a broken leg.

Ragged and tired we stumbled into Hotel Grand Elite which to everyones astonishment was in fact grand, elite and a hotel!

Tomorrow my post will cover our stay in Bologna (where I did not eat any baloney but did match wits with a coffee machine) and our eventful trip to Florence (where the trains come into play). Please comment on my posts. I am much more willing to spend hours concocting these narratives filled with Sophmoric humor and caustic wit if I know people actually read them. Arrivederci tutti!