On the Banks of the Arnooo...

Hopefully all of you read that in your deep Keith Jackson voice. Even though he was openly rooting for the 'Canes during the 2002 National Title Game, I still miss the ole' bastard. Anyways, again it has been too long since my last post. Our internet connection is down in the apartment so I am coming to you all live from the sidewalk outside my favorite bar here in Florence (it's not the House of Sizzle in case any of you were wondering). It's about 11:30 PM here but the streets are still lively as ever. This street has several bars. The locals like to drift from one bar to the other, nibbling on the free food each bar leaves out and quite often they bring their dogs with them. I'm not a local so I am posted up here at High Bar where they have free Wi-Fi while my man Luigo refills my 5 Euro beers. The beer is a bit pricey but I must admit I feel fairly important pounding away at my lap top. Oh if only the passers by could see what I am writing...

WHICH IS...random thoughts and short stories from my adventures in and around Florence!

- Watched a couple soccer games at another English Pub, not the one Mickey works at for my loyal readers (If you don't know who Mickey is, read my other blog entries!). Beer here is only 4 Euro and they serve Tennent's, a Scotish Lager, and Harp Super. Both beers are 9% alcohol! 9%! Long story made short: I rarely remember walking home from this place.

- To make a long story long though, yesterday I went to this bar to watch Arsenal play Barcelona. I had already had 4 Tennent's when I arrived (never a good idea) and the first half was scoreless so obviously I had to drink simply for entertainment purposes. At halftime I met two women from Denmark (for those of you counting at home that is 3 Danish people I have met so far at English Pubs) and had a great conversation with them that lasted until I heard a roar in the other room where my game was on. Of course Barca scored! 10 minutes later Barca scored again...then our best player Cesc Fabregas broke his leg. I hate my life! Fortunately I had two new friends and 9% beer to console me.

Our conversation and friendship evolved over the next hour, as did my bar tab. Three Harp Super's were doing quite a number on me. However, as most of you know I am charming as shit when I drink. So charming in fact these two Danish women invited me to their next destination, a private party at a restaurant down the street. During Lent this family owned restaurant invites their friends over after close to share fish, wine and laughs. My new friends were on the list and got me in under the auspices that I was related to one of them. The story worked and I was greeted warmly and seated next to a gorgeous Polish girl (did not know they even existed, more to come). The only problem in the whole plan was I can't speak a lick of Danish. Fortunately, nobody else can either so to compensate whenever my Danish friends spoke I would simply repeat back to them what they said, nod my head and act like I was involved in the conversation. Nobody else at the table could tell. I am so clever!

We were all served Mussels so fresh I think they were actually swimming in the olive oil and garlic surrounding the shells. The community wine was a nice Sauvignon blended with an Italian wine which was slightly sweeter and thinner. I typically follow the rule of red wine with red meat, white wine with fish and chicken. However this wine was thin and sweet enough it did not overpower the fish. Who am I kidding??? I was drinking it because it was free booze!!! A nice little secondary benefit was the more of it I drank, the more friendly I became with Polish Girl.

Polish Girl did have a pronounced nose, but it was subtle enough to make her Eastern-European-Hot as the rest of her was top class all the way. Blonde with a slim figure that allowed her stylish blouse to lye on her as it would a manikin. I found her to be bright, well educated and witty. She, believing me to be Danish of course, felt compelled to correct my English at several points. I allowed her to...

** DISCLAIMER: THE REST OF THIS STORY I DO NOT RECALL. THIS IS THE VERSION OF EVENTS I CLAIMED HAPPENED WHEN I RETURNED HOME THAT NIGHT, LATER RETOLD TO ME BY MY RELATIVES. I SINCERELY DOUBT THE VERACITY OF WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO HEAR. THAT BEING SAID, IT MAKES FOR A NICE STORY**

Glasses of wine turned to a carafe of wine. Suddenly I became Don Juan, or seeing as how I am in Italy, Cassanova. The restaurant was set in the basement but the restroom was on the ground floor near the street entrance. The rest of the guests were seated at the table so when Polish Girl and I crossed paths near the restroom we had a modicum of privacy, or at least I hope so, because I made my move. Being a Federally Certified Smooth Operator, I used my near hand to push her sternum against the wall as I attempted to taste her gum. Very classy. Word to the wise btw, Polish women apparently like to bite your lip when they kiss you. Next conscious thought??? Waking up on my couch...alone!!! Have no idea what her name is, her phone number, how I got home, what happened to my Danish friends, etc... I would say "unbelievable" but it really isn't.

- After our trip to the Palazzo Pitti Museum we ate lunch at a near by restaurant named Caffee Bellini. The food was awesome, however Danielle's glass of Diet Coke was 5 Euro! 5 Euro! And Water? 4Euro! Fear not, my glass of house Chianti was 1.50E. Yes people, wine is quite literally cheaper than water in this country. I may never leave!

- Italians are obviously artistic and creative people. Unfortunately, they apply this freedom of spirit and distaste for conformity to their driving  habits. There are certainly traffic laws, it's just most view them as suggestions or loose guidelines. Lanes? Sure they paint them on the road, but driving in more than one for miles at a time is not a problem (this is one way my mother celebrates her Italian heritage in America). One way streets? It is generally best to go the direction suggested, but if it saves you 30 seconds to go the wrong direction you have the right-of-way. Speed limits are posted but I think the universal interpretation is that is actually the MINIMUM speed you are permitted to drive, and only if you are in the far right lane. Otherwise you should drive at least twice as fast. Sidewalks make great parking spots. Stop signs only apply for other drivers, not you. In fact, that general rule can be applied to all trafic laws. They only exist so you can feel justified to be angry at other drivers for breaking them. Oh, and if you have a scooter it is a complete free for all. Ditch hours of traffic on the shoulder, pass on the wrong side of the road towards oncoming traffic, sidewalks are just as useful as streets, etc... Driving here is absolutely an art, not a science. Unfortunately for me, I haven't done anything artistic since 8th grade art class and I got a C.

As part of our ongoing effort to experience all Italy has to offer, we chose to rent a car for our trip to Siena today instead of taking the train. Sadly, the only car Maggiore Car Rental had that could seat 4 people with an automatic transmition was a Mercedes. Yes, it really was tragic...so I had the driving a brand new Mercedes through the Tuscan countryside to Siena, approximately a 45 minute drive. Please...feel sorry for me!

It is simply impossible to describe what I saw today. Any movie or picture you have seen also falls short of capturing the comprehensive beauty Tuscany provides. Rolling hills of grass so densely green it could be an ocean only interrupted by vertical evergreen trees, copious amounts of dandelions and rows of grape trees which provide the world with its best wines. The hills are higher here than back home, and thus the sky is lower. On a cloudy day, such as this one, you cannot even see the blue of the sky. The affect this has visually is you feel as if you are inside looking at a movie set. The scenery is all too perfect to be real. The clouds so low you could touch them as a ceiling. For a few moments this corner of the world is all yours, you can put your arms around it and embrace it as it does the same to you. Truly incredible.

Unfortunately, my efforts to put my arms around and embrace this once-in-a-lifetime experience as I sped along the freeway at a cool 150 km/h (~95 mph) infuriated the other drivers on the road. On more than one occasion somebody would speed up onto me and blare their horn until I moved so they could drive FASTER!!! Also, as I would discover, passing someone on a two lane road is rather difficult when they drive in BOTH LANES! PICK A LANE DIANE! At another point I was driving in the left lane and noticed some painted words on the road (they choose to put their roadway signs physically on the road, doesn't seem safe to me) and as I tried to deduce what they meant my lane abruptly ended and I was on top of the car in the other lane and only going about 80 mph. Albert needed new underwear after that episode. Despite all of this, somehow we arrived in Siena safe and sound. 

Siena was sweet. The end.

- I am now facebook friends with my bartender friend Luigo at the High Bar. Not sure if that is a good thing or not...am I friendly or simply a lush? I'll accept both as an acceptable answer.

- Bars here obviously charge exorbitant prices for drink. 4E is cheap, 5E is average and 7E is not unlikely, in fact it is far more likely than 3E. They do attempt (and still fail) to make up for it by offer aperativo, essentially a free buffet of finger food. Usually a cold pasta with pizza, small sandwiches, kuskus, hummus, etc... and typically it is all phenomenal! That being said, I'll take free bugles, cheese poofs, trail mix and pop corn at the crown if my pitcher of beer is less than each beer I buy here. This brings our current score to: Crown 142 - Every other bar in the world: - infinity

- My Uncle Dan's wife Kelly arrived several days ago. To celebrate her first night we went to the local establishment, High Bar, where my good friend Luigo can be found pouring 5Euro beers six nights a week. Again, Tennent's got the best of me. The thing about 9% beers is they have a habit of sneaking up on you. **DISCLAIMER** The veracity of the rest of this story is credited to Kelly and my cousin Danielle as I remember absolutely none of it but they have repeated the series of events to me far too many times in the subsequent days. Presented in bullet form:

• I run out of money. Declare that I will buy the entire bar drinks on my credit card. Fortunately it was a Tuesday night and we were the only people n the bar.
• I took several shots. Go figure...
• I was cut off, then responded as you would probably expect me to. I declared "If I am competent enough to order my beer, IN A GLASS, in Italian....then I should be allowed to drink the rest of it!" Luigo agreed. To display his support he dumped the rest of my beer on my head.
• On the walk home I assured my female company nobody would bother them because I know Kung Fu (I do not). I then displayed my mastery of the Martial Art, complete with over-exaggerated Davey Crockett punches, Ralph Macchio Crane Kicks and everything. The girls walked faster...
• Kelly has a video camera. She thinks it would be a good idea to ask me to repeat my performance for her camera. This infuriates me. I demand they, "STOP PATRONIZING ME!" I then inform them "I AM THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THIS FAMILY!" Modesty has always been a quality of mine. 
• In an effort to display my physical fitness I announce my intention to clear the 3 foot high steel traffic pole, leap-frog style. Fortunately for my future children I succeed, but just barely.
• I advertise my sexual prowess to several girls walking by. They are not impressed. Clearly they don't speak English.
• I fall down on the ground and make snow angels in the dust. That's a new one.
• Still angry about their effort to patronize me, I call Kelly and Danielle some very unfortunate names. Still sorry.
• I declare to both of them how frustrated I am by the fact I spent 50E and did not meet any women. Then I declare to both of them I do not find either one of them remotely attractive....I mean I am sorry for saying that, but I suppose it is better than the alternative...
• I pass out with my preferred midnight snack (in lieu of taco bell): A loaf of bread and olive oil. 

It was obviously an eventful evening. Just one of many around here. Thank you again for all of your support! I have gotten great feedback from all of you! My next journal entry will be an in-depth expose on the man, the myth, the legend...Albert Endrizzi! Stay tuned!